We need to talk, I have been your spirit animal for 40 years. I was here for your first steps, on your first day of school, when you graduated high school, when you got married, when you gave birth, when you got divorced. Even when you turned 40 and the world refused to end, I was here.
I have been here through all your musing about what it would be like if there was a zombie apocalypse, through all the ups and downs the world has had to offer us. My point is I'm part of you now. What affects you affects me in very profound ways.
Let's discuss this shall we? In the past few weeks you've started working on changing your diet. Carbs... which, we both know, I love are out the door along with sodas and sugar and everything that tastes good. This was an issue but you've promised that this "lifestyle" is going to be "good" for us. I think you should know that I believe you need an intervention.
Let me list the reasons why you need an intervention:
A box of pasta is $1.00, a half pound of hamburger is $3.00, a jar of Ragu is $1.99. If you are feeling a little fancy you can get a loaf of garlic bread for $1.00. That is a meal! It's more than that it's a meal and two lunches you have a small family and what does it cost? $6.99. You have a very small family.
That box of pasta, jar of sauce whatever is actually two separate meals so it's really like $3.50 a meal. Cheap right? Your new diet is far from cheap. I know, I know, you say your health is worth the expense. I get that but really, think about how much you make per hour and compare it to what you are spending in food. It does not make financial sense for you to spend this much money on groceries. Just a thought you should take into account. Let's move on.
Misery Does NOT Love Company
About 90% of the time you don't like the food you are eating. In fact you only ate one meal that you actually enjoyed. The rest you have either forced yourself to eat or you take a few bites and shake your head no and try to feed it to the dog. Ya know what? The dog won't eat it either.
No matter what you do it Cauliflower is not rice. Cauliflower is not mashed potatoes. Cauliflower is cauliflower and you do not enjoy the taste of cooked cauliflower. I've seen what you're doing. Most meals you make them, taste them and then eat a can of green beans because it sucked on a scale of suckage that you have never imagined before. You keep telling me it's trial and error to get yourself to a point where you have a viable menu. In the meantime, we're suffering. We are really suffering here.
Pooty Tooty NOT Fresh and Fruity!
Speaking of suffering. Sweetheart, you might want to sit down for this one. Are you ready? Do you want to hold my hand before we discuss this? Okay, here we go. You stink. You poot, toot, blatantly fart, whatever you want to call it all the time. Without much control of your ability to hold in the tooty poots either.
At work you have done the weird clenched cheeks stumble run to the bathroom, walk in freezer or cooler, or out the door as quickly as you can to release the beastly poot. In the car the vibration just works them out on their own... if other people are in the car the windows go down and they gag out the window.
All you say "Cauliflower farts man... my bad." You fart when you walk which gives you the crying tears laughter. Which makes you fart more and good lord... you start snorting! Cause you laugh like that for some reason. Honey, you tooty poot all the time. They stink so bad the dog will run from you.
Not only do you fart all the time, your constipated. When it's bad... your mood plummets to just plain mean! The people around us are suffering from those moods. More fiber should mean a healthy flow and yet. It's not. I think you need to see a doctor.
I'm concerned about you. I'm concerned for me. Please understand that these are valid concerns for you. I love you dearly and I want to stay your spirit animal.
Notes From Beck
I wrote this snarky letter to myself to bring up topics that are actual concerns that I have about my new diet with a humorous twist. I think these concerns are relatable and often under discussed on other sites or diet plans. Everyone is quick to tell you what to do, nobody is quick to tell you the side effects of this lifestyle change.
It is expensive to eat healthy. It so much more money than I should be spending on food with my level of hourly pay. That's a huge concern to me. There is a real chance that the low carb lifestyle may not be financially viable for me over the long run. Unless there is a sudden down turn on fresh, healthy food costs, I do not see low carb will be an option that is financially open to me. Carbs are filling and cheap. That's just fact. It is so much cheaper to have a horrible diet. That's a concern that is in my mind always.
I really have not enjoyed the foods I've tried. I have liked one. I'm trying to continue to try more recipes that I find online to build between 7 and 14 dishes that I can mix and match. The problem with low carb and keto cooking is that they want to use avocados or avocado oil. Both of which will kill me. I'm allergic to avocados.
No matter how much butter, salt, cream... stuff you add to mashed cauliflower it doesn't taste like mashed potatoes. Worse than that, they don't taste good to me. They taste like cooked cauliflower. Same with the riced cauliflower… it is not rice. It's cooked cauliflower. It tastes like cooked cauliflower and I don't like cooked cauliflower. I'm trying.
Like I said, I found one dish. It's disheartening to not enjoy your dinner. I'm still looking. I know that this is a trial and error thing. No one's taste buds are the same as another person's are. Everything with a change in diet it's going to take time to find the things you like.
Digestive issues are coming up. I'm not sure if this is damage I've done to myself with the past eating disorders that I've battled or if it's just normal for this switch in diet. What I know for sure from visits with my doctor is it happens to everyone who's changing diets. Especially if they aren't used to the foods they are eating. (See me raising my hand high here)
It happens yet nobody brings it up? Why not? Why are we hiding our tooty poots? That doesn't make any sense at all. This happens! You should know that there are effects before you take the plunge into low carb. All diets have issues. You should always speak to your doctor before you make a move.
Are you having issues on your diet? Do you have concerns?
That's it for now.
Until next time take care of yourself as well as others,
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