First…an apology. I’m sorry.
I haven’t written in quite some time. I haven’t done much of anything in quite some time. I apologize for that. I’ve let life catch up with me and it’s been dragging me down a bit. I’ve let it break the good habits I started and I’ve let it convince me to cheat myself on my goals. That’s why I haven’t posted.
See, I’ve failed myself and I’ve been too disappointed to face you and admit that I’ve fallen behind in my race to a healthier life. I’m disappointed in myself. There’s really one way to fix that. Get busy, Ki.
Depression
When I broke my leg, back in May, my health care providers started talking to me about depression. Not really having conversations with me, more like just asking questions about whether I was feeling depressed. I found this a bit odd. I quickly learned that it’s fairly common to experience some depression when you injure yourself like that, I learned something new. I had never thought about that before.
That day when I broke my leg, my son and my dad saw it before I did. They both freaked out a bit. My son is 12 and his mom is his rock. He’s always been my sidekick, my protector, my strength…nobody could ever touch the strong bond we have. Nobody could come close. He had never seen me hurt before. When he saw my foot dangling from my leg, he lost it. He and I were just talking about it again today and he finally opened up to me about it. Seven months after the fact.
When I saw him start to cry and panic, I went right into Mom mode and the first thing I said to him was, “Hey! I’m okay, Baby! I’m okay, look I’m smiling! It’s alright, take a breath. This is not going to break my stride. It’s not going to slow me down. It’s only temporary.” I meant every word of it. I’m a fighter. It’s hard to stop me once I set my mind to something.
The first two months after the broken leg are a big blur. I didn’t think I was depressed, but I was. I wasn’t willing to recognize it and acknowledge it. I wasn’t willing to admit it. I was still doing pretty well with staying positive. But I was starting to slip into depression. It rocked my whole world for a good while. I was okay until I came home from Puerto Rico and had to go it alone. It was hard. But I survived.
I completed physical therapy. I went on this health and fitness kick and started kicking ass with my health goals. But I got trigger happy on trying to buy a house and had to accept the fact that I wasn’t quite there yet. I’ve been working so hard for 10 years to get to this point where I can buy a house. I finally got my credit in good standing and I obtained approval for a home loan. But I needed $6,000 for closing costs and I didn’t have it. Just as I was about to borrow it from my 401k, my crappy landlord called and basically said, sign a new lease for another year or get out now. I had to sign the lease the following day. That was a huge disappointment.
In the meantime, I was starting to make all of these doctors appointments to get my health problems addressed since I met my deductible this year and it would save me money. But I still had 20% co-insurance I had to pay so every appointment was $70 – $200. I ended up broke again. But I made the right decision by getting it all done while it costs less out of pocket.
My point is, all of these factors have thrown me into depression. I talked to my mom about it last weekend and she reassured me that I’m making the right decisions and all. Logically, I know that. I’m just tired of being in this spot. A tiny house that has constant problems, no fun in the works because all of the funds are going to doctor’s or closing cost savings…I hate this place. I hate these feelings. And I hate these constant tears lately. This isn’t me.
This is my second year without family for the holidays and it’s weighing real heavy on me right now. I’m trying to convince myself to put up the Christmas decorations anyway. It’s never even been a question before. It’s our favorite holiday. I will put them up.
My doctor prescribed anti-depressants at the beginning of October. I took them for a week and then stopped. Because I stopped everything at that point. I stopped working out, I stopped eating right, I stopped drinking water, I stopped staying off the sugar, I stopped thinking healthy thoughts, I just stopped being me. I think it’s time to start taking them again to help me through this. I’ve never reached out when the rabbit hole tries to swallow me up before. It isn’t me. But this time it’s deeper than it’s ever been and I don’t like it one bit.
But it’s okay. I just spent 4 solid days writing out a budget for the next 365 days. Every dollar I make this next year is planned out and I will get my house. I will get the medical stuff taken care of. And I will pick myself up, brush off my shoulders, and get back in the game. Because that’s what I do.
I tell you all of that to tell you this…life gets us down sometimes. Depression is a serious issue and when we’re not healthy and not fit, it contributes to the problem. Especially if you already deal with depression issues. I’m sharing because that’s what we should all do. We should all be okay to reach out for help. We shouldn’t have to worry about whether it will annoy our friends or just make them tell us how much worse their problems are.
So I’m putting myself out there. If you suffer from depression, please don’t convince yourself that you’re in it alone. If nobody else in the world cares about you, I do. I may not know you, but I care about everybody. I’ve been there. I am there. And I know it’s hard. If you just need somebody to talk to, let me know. Drop a line in the comments or use the contact me form to shoot me an email. I will contact you and make myself available. Nobody should have to feel this way. And nobody should feel alone in a world so populated. I’m here for you.
So what are the plans, Ki?
I haven’t written or worked out in 2 months because I’ve lost motivation. This very post is my first step toward trying to regain it. I don’t know if it will be received well but honestly I don’t really care right now. I need to do what’s best for me and I’m hoping that I can motivate myself and at least 1 other person with this post.
During the September sleep challenge, I made a doctor’s appointment to pursue the sleep apnea issues. I have now completed all of the testing, confirmed the diagnosis, and today I picked up my CPAP machine. So the sleep apnea will start being managed tonight.
I’m treating this as an accomplishment. I knew it needed to be addressed and I handled it…even followed through on it and got it done. I set better sleep habits during the sleep challenge and that’s really the only thing I stuck with since then. I did slip up a few nights…the past 4 to be exact. But I did very well the rest of the time with going to bed at a decent hour and getting good sleep. Now I will start getting quality sleep as well.
I’m working on getting through a task list of things I need to get accomplished so I can focus on less things and lighten the stress load. I’m working on taking steps to reduce the load on my shoulders and get out from under this depression. I’m thinking better sleep will help with that as well.
I did start working out again last week. But I only worked out one day. So I’m starting my goals all over again. I lost 20 pounds in 2016 which was a great accomplishment for me. But now I’ve started gaining it all back. Lifestyle changes, remember? I didn’t stick with it. That was my bad.
As we approach this new year, I will repeat the steps I took to get myself on the right track and I will work off what I’ve gained back and hit the ground running in 2017. That’s the plan. I will also start writing again. Because I’m not alone, and I need to remember that. I have you! And you have me. Let’s do it together.
How are you doing on your journey? Have you come across any hurdles that have slowed your progress? Drop a few lines and let us know how you’re doing.
Talk soon,
~Ki