Weight Loss Journey - Beck's Progress
I’ve been gone for so long, I feel like I should introduce myself again. I’m Beck. One half of the Forget Skinny team.
Not the one that’s very technical or grammatically correct. The other one.
The slightly lazy one that writes to you as if she is in conversation with a friend. The one you may not find as informative or interesting but she writes to you none the less.
She tells you things her head and her heart say. I’m that one. Do you remember me? Or is this our first meeting?
If you remember, a great virtual hug to you. If we are just meeting, hello! I’m glad to make your acquaintance.
Don’t mind the mess, we’re in a state of change and flux here at Forget Skinny. You see we’re redirecting our paths forward. Why? Well, because we stopped moving forward you see. We simply stopped moving at all.
There I go saying “We”. I can’t speak for Ki. I can’t tell you her story because it’s not mine to tell. Because it’s not mine, I don’t know it. As for mine, if you want to know… read on!
In February of 2019, I had the most amazing opportunity. I got to go Iceland and I was down 30 pounds. Weighing in at 190 pounds, I was feeling really great about myself.
It was the lowest I had been in memory. I was traveling outside of the country into a land that needed a passport. How amazing is that?
I was focused on going on this trip. While I was feeling a great excitement about that, not much else was lighting up my brain.
I stopped caring about other things. Like I wasn’t keeping my house in the clean and desired condition that I was before. At some point, I started skipping days that I brushed my hair.
The gloom was coming. Once the gloom has taken hold not much can pull you into the light.
I went to Iceland in February 2019. While I was there, I was pushing myself to feel something. To try and feel joy. But I didn’t.
I was impressed with the natural beauty of the island but at night when I stood on our little balcony staring at the church tower, I wanted to know why I wasn’t feeling anything.
I got no answers there.
I came home and the gloom set in deeper. It’s a slow creep in of darkness. But it’s not like a Dementor attack when it’s just instant sadness. Nothing like that at all.
It’s more like the moment in Never Ending Story where Atreyu and Artax go into the Swamp of Sadness. They know they are there and they’re fighting and fighting through it.
When Artax just decides he’s sad and sinks down into the swamp and disappears into the mud and muck leaving Atreyu to mourn his friend and continue on with his quest mourning.
Some days I was Artax on the verge of slipping under the mud, some days I was Atreyu fighting to get through the mud while mourning my happiness.
Does that sound too dramatic? Possibly, but it’s true.
Depression is a vampire that drains your soul like blood.
Time passed. Things and pages were forgotten. Not a single thing seemed that important.
The more time went on the more I stopped caring about myself. I stopped caring about my home. It’s like being set on fire from the inside and you don’t notice your burning until you’re a pile of ash.
And then, I had a real fire. My house caught on fire. I had to move out of my home for months. I had to stay with my parental units. If you don’t think that’s depressing… I can’t help you.
During this time Ki and I decided not to continue working on Forget Skinny.
There’s a pandemic. That’s a whole new world of horrible the whole world seems to be somewhat coping with.
I lost the ability to be creative. I couldn’t think of things to craft. While I'm still going to belly dance classes, when it comes to actually dancing my mind goes blank.
Basically, I stopped caring and gained back pounds upon pounds. I had gained every pound back and then some.
The last time I stepped on a scale it tipped at 235. I refused to get on another scale and full body pictures were absolutely OUT of the question. How’s that for a huge downer?
So what changed? Honestly, I think it was Facebook.
I think it was constant reminders that someone was looking at Forget Skinny. If people are interested, maybe we should start contributing to it again.
There was a spark. A movement inside an ember in the ashes of self. It’s a small little light right now but maybe it will grow into something more.
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So What's Next?
I’ve been ashes for a long time now. What is next for me?
I am a Sloth, dear reader.
Movement from me is going to come slow if at all. I think I’ll have to think on that.
I’ll be back to tell you about it when I actually have a plan of action. What I know for sure is that I’m not going to set goals that I struggle to meet.
What I’m going to do for sure is just talk about my journey as it’s taking place. I hope you find that interesting.
Alright Dear reader, it’s very late at night now. I’m glad to be back and will speak with you soon.
Wash your hands. Wear a mask. Take care of yourselves. Treat others how you wish to be treated!
P.S. Click here for Part 2 of my comeback!
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